A Satisfying End

I am a self described poor man’s Steve Czaban. He doesn’t know who I am, nor have I ever met him. He’s from Virginia, as am I, he loves sports, as do I and he has a high end man cave whereas I have my newly redone basement done within budget. We are both follically challenged, but most importantly, we both love to rant about inane subjects. On the way to work this morning I was truly inspired to write a Super Bowl post about my lack of care of who wins the ‘Big Game.’ I hate New York sports, I loathe Boston sports. They have won enough Championships and there is no sign of either of them slowing down. Yes I am jealous, I admit it. I am a fan of the Redskins who had their heyday, but are now relegated to punch lines at the end of horrible jokes. Hey did you hear about the guy who was so fed up with the ‘Skins that he left a pair of tickets on his dashboard in his car with the window open as he went into a 7-11 in the hopes that someone would steal them? When he got back to his car 10 minutes later, there were two more tickets with them. Hahahahaha, so funny. Those used to be jokes about the Bengals and Cardinals. The Bengals went to the playoffs this year with a rookie quarterback and while the Cardinals still suck, at least they have been to a Super Bowl recently. I was 13 when the Redskins last won more than one game in the playoffs. Now I’m married, balding, working full time and see no end in sight of their apathy.

So again the sports world is subject to a Boston vs. New York storyline. Not the Red Sox vs. Yankees, even though we have all summer to suffer from that. Not the aging Celtics vs. the underachieving, overhyped Knicks. Not the top two current teams in the Eastern Conference of the NHL, the NY Rangers vs. the Boston Bruins…yeah I know you’re shocked. It’s a rematch of the 2007 Super Bowl where the NY Giants upset the unbeaten Patriots. That year I was ‘rooting’ for the Patriots, because witnessing history was far more important as a sports fan than the outcome was. I wasn’t around for the ’72 Dolphins and seeing perfection in any sport is worth my time because it is so difficult to accomplish.

This year I could care less who wins or who loses. I don’t have any money on the game, nor would I put anything on it just for ‘rooting interest.’ There are some things that I can hope and pray will happen during the game to make in more enjoyable and give me a satisfying end to the season.

Scenario #1)

While everyone is being mesmerized by Kelly Clarkson’s version of the Star Spangled Banner, I fully hope that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed will lead a covert group of Baltimore Ravens into the bowels of Lucas Oil Stadium. Their mission, if they choose to accept it, is to steal every single football in the stadium along with the down and distance markers, the pylons and even the replay challenge booth. For all I care they can even steal the commemorative coin from the back pocket of head official John Parry. What would be their getaway vehicle you ask? Obviously a Mayflower moving van. The entire city of Baltimore will be cheering in full throat as Billy Cundiff, behind the wheel of the big rig rolls all the necessary equipment out of Indianapolis and back to Charm City. Monday will be a city wide holiday as the old Baltimore Colts marching band comes out of retirement to lead a ticker tape parade down Eutaw Street.

Scenario #2)

Seeing as the game is in Indianapolis and Peyton Manning is forced to watch his bitter arch rival play against his younger brother on his home turf I am hoping this brings the worst out in him. With run of the building, Manning will turn into a prankster and put a layer of maximum strength, industrial grade glue on Tom Brady’s helmet. When Brady reaches for his lid, his precious throwing hand will be rendered useless, forcing Brady to the emergency room. This would leave a clear path for Eli to eclipse Peyton in Super Bowl wins and there is no way the competitive spirit that envelops Peyton will allow this to happen. He will sneak into the locker room during warm-ups and sprinkle the magic world’s best itching powder all in and around Eli’s jersey. As Eli convulses on the sideline in a scratching fit, the camera will pan up to the owner’s booth where Peyton and Jim Irsay are laughing uncontrollably while doing some version of a frat house secret handshake. This will leave the world to watch David Carr battle Brian Hoyer for the Lombardi Trophy. It will be epic.

Scenario #3)

The game is a taut, back and forth thriller with both quarterbacks leading multiple 4^th quarter comebacks. It comes down to Stephen Gostkowski lining up for a game tying 42 yard field goal with two seconds remaining and when he splits the uprights it sends the game into overtime, tied at 48. When the PA announcer bellows ‘This game is heading for SUDDEN DEATH overtime’ the microchip that the Galactic Empire implanted in Bill Belichick’s head at birth becomes activated. Under his hoodie a transformation begins with billowing smoke clouds surrounding him. There is a clash of thunder and a lighting bolt rips through the roof of the dome. When it all subsides, Bill Belichick has transformed into the Sith Lord Darth Maul. He grabs the pencil from behind his right ear and presses the eraser down and it morphs into a pure black light saber. He marches directly across the field and with one flick of the wrist lops off the left hand of Tom Coughlin. But not stopping there, he takes a full swing reminiscent of a David Ortiz baseball swing and splits the Giants head coach in half. Because of the FCC 7 second delay, this is not seen by the viewing public. Later stories from the spectators at the game detail, with varying accuracy, the next 30 minutes as a cross between the blood filled climax of a Quentin Tarintino and a Sam Peckinpah movie filled with full monologues in an undecipherable tongue by Darth Belichick. All in all 723 are slaughtered and 1308 more lose a limb as the game ends in a disqualification and the NFL never discusses the events again.

If any of these three scenarios come to fruition the game will be much more palatable to any non Giants or Patriots fan. On Sunday, there will be no winners. We will be forced to watch the smugness of the Patriots against the aww shucks, never say die Giants. The commercials will be the best part of the game for me. I can see it now as Rob Lowe stars in a version of one of the AT&T 4G commercials where a coworker runs to a cubicle and says ‘Did you hear Peyton Manning is retiring?’ and the creative execs of the commercial will cut to Lowe and Manning teeing off from the 1^st hole at Augusta saying ‘That is so 37 seconds ago!’ That will be advertising gold and we will all laugh all night long and ignore the game. Just like it should be.